the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
