I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
