I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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