google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
