you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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