I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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