i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
