my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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