She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
