She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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