I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
