You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
