Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
