His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
