while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
