I hate your face
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
