I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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