I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
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Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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