I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She bit a glass in half.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
