Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
