yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
