Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
