I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
