tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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