return my video game
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
