I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
