glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
