Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
