I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
