you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
