when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
