I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
