So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
