I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
