i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
