Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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