I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
