I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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