so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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