I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
two words: eviction party
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
