woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
