i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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