is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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