Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
