I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
being pregnant is like rehab
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
