Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
