when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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