i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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