I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize