I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
