I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
