Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
