Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
oh god was she eating orange peels again
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize