I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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