you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
