I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
