my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
