you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
