Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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