We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
